Marriage counselor urges wife to stop blaming husband and start talking

In a recent advice column, Bel Mooney responded to a letter from a woman who described her long marriage as having gone stale. The woman, who has two grown children, explained that her husband Tom, a former lorry and taxi driver, had spent much of their marriage away from home. After his retirement, they moved house, but the move was primarily for the wife, who had a difficult relationship with her stepson. The woman now feels she doesn't really know Tom and that he is always out of the house, leading to frequent arguments. She also feels punished for her attitude toward his son.

Mooney's response highlighted the imbalance in their decisions: the retirement was for Tom, while the house move was for the wife. She suggested that the wife's extreme hostility toward the stepson might be a deeper issue that she is glossing over. Mooney advised the wife to avoid accusatory 'You' statements and instead use 'I' or 'We' when communicating with Tom, such as 'I get a bit tired, Tom' or 'We deserve a change.' She emphasized that the wife has time to create the life she wants and should take Tom along with her.

The column also included a separate piece of advice to a man who was being pressured by family and coworkers to have a baby. Mooney reassured him that the problem is not him, but that his way of dealing with it will be special to him and his love. She encouraged him to accept that people change and that a baby could be a positive addition to their good life.

Mooney also discussed the phrase 'It is what it is,' which she and her family use to accept things that cannot be changed. She traced it to Middle English, meaning 'So it be as it is.' This reflects her overall advice to accept certain realities while working on what can be improved.

The column provides practical relationship advice, emphasizing communication and self-reflection. Mooney's guidance is direct and empathetic, aiming to help readers navigate complex family dynamics and personal expectations.